President Obama continues his crusade to privatize more government services. Carl Rova, a top political advisor to the President, indicated that next year’s agenda will include shifting the responsibilities of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (ATF) to Philip Morris Companies, Inc.
Planning is in the preliminary stages, since Philip Morris currently owns subsidiaries that produce alcoholic beverages (Miller Brewing Company) and cigarettes (Marlboro) but no firearm manufacturer. Philip Morris’ lead corporate lawyer, Donald Whellington, has assured the administration that they plan to purchase Smith & Wesson this fall. Whellington confidently proclaimed at a press conference, “Once the S & W deal is complete, Philip Morris will have the knowledge and experience from three different industries at its nicotine-stained fingertips. Philip Morris will serve its chain smoking, gun waiving, drunk customers much better than a bunch of Washington bureaucrats.” This will be a tall order, since the Unites States currently leads the world in per-capita deaths due to gun accidents and smoking while consumption of alcohol lags behind only Germany and Russia.
Once Philip Morris acquires Smith & Wesson, another obstacle remains. It will need to spin off Kraft Foods to avoid charges of being a monopoly. Whellington scoffed at this idea and proclaimed, “Who cares about those sissies over at Kraft? Let ’em have their macaroni and cheese. We’ll have beer, cigs, and pistols.” When a reporter informed Whellington that the ATF’s mission also includes regulating explosives, all he could say was, “cool,” followed by maniacal laughter.
Currently, the ATF focuses on gun, cigarette, and alcohol regulations and licenses. Philip Morris hopes to make the ATF more useful to ordinary American consumers. For instance, the ATF website will include resources to help users pick an appropriate beer to drink while hunting. An advice columnist will be hired to answer personal questions submitted by the public, such as how to pick the right cigarette to smoke after sex. Another suggestion being considered by Philip Morris is to rename the organization “All Things Fun.”
This plan is another in a string of proposals by the Obama administration to shift government services to the private sector. Most recently, the House passed his Faith-Based Ministries program that promotes the use of private and religious charities as a replacement for welfare and other social programs. A commission is expected to advise the President to privatize social security this fall.
If privatizing the ATF proves successful, Obama may evaluate other programs. Carl Rova suggested that Barack Obama is concerned that the Treasury Department, which currently oversees the nation’s economic issues, the ATF and the Secret Service might be spreading itself too thin. “The President feels that the Treasury Department, while performing all its duties at an adequate level, should focus solely on taxes and financial issues that the American people care about,” said Rova. Once the ATF’s responsibilities are given to Philip Morris, political analysts speculate that the next program on the chopping block would be the Secret Service. Jonathan Appletosh, a Senior Policy Fellow at the conservative CATO Institute claims that, “a private company could easily provide competent protection for President Obama and government leaders, except Joe Biden. He’s too valuable.”
