Hezbollah may be the self-styled ‘Party of God,’ but they are now the Party of Godly Flip-Flops.
Yup! After having assisted President Assad for quite some time in his struggle against various revolutionary forces, a few sneaky envelopes and a promise of Saudi and Qatari oil money has now convinced them that President Assad is now a despicable apostate from Islam, who must be punished for his unbelieving godlessness.
The official Hezbollah r/jihadihipster subreddit post in question reads:
Assad has finally ‘come out’ as a depraved and debauched enemy of God. After spending years in the closet, his perverse enmity against the Creator of All is now manifest unto the naked eyes of every person. The charges are these:
While making a radically unconvincing pretence of being a good Shi’a Muslim, Assad secretly continues to spread mischief in the land.
He has relentlessly and remorselessly endeavoured to drive a wall of mystifying deception and superstitiously obscurantist secular mystification between mosque and state.
He encourages the female community to depend upon themselves instead of their rightful male benefactors.
He has been insufficiently rigorous in his punishment of gay people.
Yup! No matter how extravagantly promiscuous you may be, you are unlikely to get more than a faux-solemn lecture and a coquettishly teasing slap on the face and ass as punishment from the Syrian police. And that’s just the females (!)
People in Syria listen to music and dance. This is utterly unacceptable. Music and dancing are thoroughly pointless, frivolous activities for idle and worthless time-wasters.
But on the other hand, and by fairly obvious contrast (!), undergoing many years of Hezbollah spiritual militant training is a perfectly worthwhile and emotionally fulfilling activity. That is why we are always happy and smiling when you see us on the television!
John Kerry was rather equivocal on the matter.
I guess, from one perspective, it’s perfectly true to say that the lies and deceptions of the Islamist terror organization Hezbollah are not to be trusted. Until they are finally wiped from the face of the earth in the most horrendously destructive manner possible, there will never be so much as a moment’s rest and peace in the Middle East.
But the other side of this dilemma, which is equally valid, and of equally strategic importance, is that Hezbollah are the greatest allies of the International Community amid whom Our Common Humanity have ever possessed the good fortune to sit, at this same great and grandly glorious table of humanitarian fellowship and of the inalienable bond of endless spiritual gratitude and eternal hope.
The morning of truth and beauty first dawned upon our nation, when our blessed friends and the inestimable boom of their charitably loyalty and devotion first settled its wings upon the threshold of our most glorious temple of tenderness, brotherly affection, and the undeniable indefatiguability of the human spirit to triumph over all odds.
Ok. Got that! But are you actually for or against them? C’mon lad, give us a better idea of what you’re going to do. Not another idle red-line, surely?
Well, I guess we could bomb them. Or, we could become their best buddies all of a sudden, for purely principled and non-cynical purposes. Or alternatively, for perfectly grubby and cynically Machiavellian purposes. Or maybe we could just forget about them. Or pretend to forget about them. Or forget to pretend to pretend to forget about them. Or…
Sorry. I’m afraid the transcript breaks off here. And not for the first time!
Hm. Well… any ideas why?
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Previously published on Neocon Surveillance & Glossy News.
