Wallace Runnymede
Angela Merkel is stung by recent accusations that she is throwing her own citizens under the bus in order to appease a foreign power. So, in time-honored strong leader fashion, she has decided to stick two fingers up to her critics by offering the Turkish authorities an extra-large safe space.
The safe space in question, formerly known as Europe, and now known as the Greater Berlin Post-Democratic Co-Prosperity Sphere, will provide a place for oppressed and marginalized government officials to escape the bigoted hate speech and satirical micro-aggressions of the arrogant and over-privileged.
Merkel has taken pains to emphasize that this measure is not at all intended to marginalize anyone who is comfortable with the current order in Europe. She merely wishes to encourage those who have unjustly benefited from their recent unearned speech privileges, and use these resources more accountably and responsibly in future.
Merkel rants:
Freedom of speech is now no longer a bigoted moral absolute that serves the powerful alone! No, it is now a pretty flexible, slick, dynamic and ultimately intangible notion; one that makes us all feel pretty warm and fluffy inside, but which, for one reason or another, just seems to be everywhere and nowhere.
However, the passage to a post-hate-speech order will not be easy. Like so many strong leaders of Germany of the past few centuries, or even decades (hint, hint!), Merkel will use a carrot and stick approach to generously liberate her vassals in Turkey.
So on the one hand, those who abuse their freedom of speech as though it were some non-negotiable moral absolute will be punished; whether by hate speech laws, blasphemy laws, or antiquated Prussian lèse-majesté diktats.
But those, on the other hand, who are being oppressed and abused by evil hate-mongers who arrogantly disdain to check their privilege, will be offered a pleasant sphere of influence with cuddly pillows, jelly and ice-cream, and some relaxing Brandenburg concertos.
(However, those who consider music to be a wicked invention of the devil can relax by writing elegant and generously-hearted poetry about ‘The Great & The Good’ instead).
Author: Wallace Runnymede
