Reporters gathered outside of Kris Cemp’s house today with several questions about his opinions on various sports teams, namely football teams. Despite this variance, they all shared one single question: “What’s it like to like the absolute worst football team, dude?”
Kris Cemp is known throughout the nation for his professional opinions on wide and varied topics surrounding sports, so when it was discovered that he was a fan of the Raiders (a team who is, objectively, just terrible at everything) the sports press went into an uproar.
When Kris Cemp finally answered the door, he was met with a flurry of questions such as, “Did your parents just never hug you?” and “Seriously, dude, I don’t get it – why? You know they, like, suck right? You’re aware of that?”
As Cemp made his way to his car, he stayed silent and refused to answer questions. When one reporter asked, “What’s your opinion on the Chargers?” Cemp shot him a dirty look and spat on his shoes.
Thinking he would escape the reporters, Cemp made his way to a small local restaurant. However, he was not safe. Reporters were there, lying in wait with tape recorders and notepads in hand, and they immediately berated him with questions. One reporter was simply laughing at Cemp, saying, “No, no, wait, really? You’re not joking?”
Cemp, knowing he could not escape this onslaught, finally agreed to take a few questions. Below is a selection of answers Cemp gave to the various questions.
Q: What led you to this conclusion? This dumb, stupid conclusion?
A: Look, dude, I just like them. No team is perfect, and the Raiders are no exception. I just like them.
Q: Is this the result of some bet? Did you lose a bet and the condition was that, if you lost, you needed to support the Raiders?
A: No! I get it; they’re not a flawless team, but, like, what else would someone expect? They have a decent enough track record and I—I just—why is this weird to everyone? Why can’t I just like a team?
Q: How does it feel to have the Chargers leave San Diego to possibly go to Carson?
A: [Cemp lunges at reporter with a raised fist, yelling]
After the reporter was attacked, the other reporters fled the scene. The attacked reporter escaped and made his way home safely. He reportedly will not be pressing charges against Cemp.
Witnesses say that after the reporter fled, Cemp was seen curled in a ball on the floor, weeping and shaking. When a restaurant patron tried to put a Chargers jersey on Cemp to keep him warm, Cemp reportedly hissed at the patron and went back to sobbing.
According to a different eyewitness, after Cemp was done sobbing, he scrambled up off the floor and bolted out of the restaurant. Multiple people on the street reported that Cemp was seen running south, presumably to Mexico in an attempt to outrun the shame of being a Raiders fan.
You can’t outrun the shame, Cemp. Being in Mexico doesn’t negate the fact that the Raiders are the worst football team of all time (like, seriously, all time). Mexico can’t save you, Cemp. Nothing can.
