Microsoft, the company known for its reliability and incredibly secure software, encountered a series of technical issues that resulted in Xbox Live being inaccessible for a total of 6 hours.

Following these technical issues, the DOW Jones reported a record breaking loss for PepsiCo who confirmed a significant drop in Mountain Dew sales during the Xbox Live outage.  In addition, a sharp decline in marijuana sales has paralleled losses for both Taco Bell and Frito-Lay.

Without their means of escape, people suddenly became aware of just how empty their lives were.  With the realization that their marriages, friendships, and overall lives had been affected by gaming, people began reacting in interesting ways.  Some gave up hope that their virtual haven would return.  Others began building shrines and praying to the Wi-Fi gods for mercy.  The most desperate gathered around the television, spamming controller buttons and waiting for a miracle.

Curiously, the number of 13-year-olds claiming to have slept with my mother is still roughly the same.