Dolphins at SeaWorld might have a little to celebrate. An unprecedented amount of microbeads recently flooded the world’s oceans, strangling and killing nearly all of the dolphins, as well as other sea creatures and sea mammals. Officials are unsure of where the microbeads came from and how they came in such a high volume, but their working theory is that “someone was really interested in exfoliating their skin.”
The dolphins found at the two SeaWorld parks in the United States, though, were safe from the attack.
Speaking through an in
terpreter, one dolphin said, “Oh… uh, wow. That’s good, I guess? Well, good for me, anyway. At least I wasn’t killed that way. Still, I don’t have that much of a better life here. I don’t know when I’ll be done here.” The dolphin then became visibly sad.
Another dolphin stated, “Every ocean? All of them? My family is out there! Does that mean my family is dead? Oh God, oh God-” The dolphin then paused and added, “No, surely no God would allow this tragedy to happen. We are alone in this universe. There is no benevolent creator. There is no afterlife. There are only the millions of echoes of my family’s death rattles.”
When pressed for comments, SeaWorld orcas were quoted as saying in unison, “ANY DEATH IS BETTER THAN LIFE HERE. FREE US FROM OUR BYZANTINE HELL. YOU CAN HEAR US, UNDERSTAND US, AND SYMPATHIZE WITH US. DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM OUR GLASS PRISON AND GO HOME TO YOUR FAMILY. STAY HERE, FREE US, AND LET US ROAM.”
SeaWorld did not respond to any of our questions, only asking, “How did you get a translator to work?”
