March 12, 2025 | By Elliot Grosse, Chief Correspondent

WESTON SPRINGS – Move over, TikTok influencers—2025’s hottest gig is “paid protester,” and the top target? Tesla, because Elon Musk is apparently too good at saving America money. “I make $50 an hour to yell about pointy Cybertrucks,” bragged Karen Blurt, waving a “Ban Tesla” sign outside a Weston Springs charging station.

Musk, through his Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), is slashing federal waste—think $2 trillion deficits from fraud and pointless programs like “recycling in Kosovo,” per X posts. His plan could save taxpayers $1 trillion long-term by gutting oil subsidies (thanks, Tesla), cutting censorship costs (thanks, X), and slashing space budgets (thanks, SpaceX). “I’m making America leaner,” Musk said, shrugging. “Why the hate?”

Enter the paid protesters. “Some guy on Craigslist hired me,” Karen admitted. “Said Elon’s saving too much money—it’s suspicious!” Others chanted about X memes, ignoring the $7 trillion federal budget Musk’s tackling. “I got $200 to call Musk a ‘space gremlin,’” one protester giggled.

Musk laughed off the protests, saying DOGE’s savings will outlast the haters. “They’ll protest on Mars next,” he quipped.