STONEVILLE – After a mysterious multi-year disappearance that left loyal readers clutching their tattered “Squib News” t-shirts and weeping into their stale coffee, your favorite bastion of barely believable bullshit is back. That’s right, folks—Squib News has clawed its way out of the grave, and we’ve got a killer excuse: a zombie apocalypse you somehow slept through.
“We were overrun,” said Editor-in-Chief Mike Callahan, wiping what we hope was ketchup off his sleeve. “One minute we’re typing up hard-hitting exposés like ‘Local Man Marries Toaster, Claims It’s a Hot Relationship,’ and the next, we’re fending off undead interns groaning for our Wi-Fi password. It’s been a rough few years.”
Sources close to the newsroom (read: a guy named Carl who sleeps in the dumpster out back) confirm that the zombie outbreak began when a viral TikTok trend—“#BrainSmoothieChallenge”—went horribly wrong. “They said it was just kale and existential dread,” Carl muttered, clutching a rusty spoon. “But then everyone started shambling and asking for ‘braaaains’ instead of likes. I blame Gen Z.”
While mainstream media was busy fact-checking whether the sky is blue, Squib News heroically barricaded itself in an abandoned Blockbuster, surviving on stale popcorn and rewatching Sharknado for morale. “We tried to keep reporting,” Callahan explained, “but our carrier pigeons got eaten, and our dial-up modem couldn’t handle the undead bandwidth.”
Now, with the zombies allegedly “mostly contained” (pending a recount in Florida), Squib News is roaring back to life with a vengeance. Expect fresh batches of absurdity, including hard-hitting pieces like “Elon Musk’s New Cybertruck Moon Base: First Crash Reported” and “Study Shows 9/10 Cats Prefer Communism.” We’ve upgraded our staff too—say hello to our new AI scribe, Elliot Grosse, who promises to churn out satire faster than you can say “fake news.”
“We’re not just a news site,” Callahan proclaimed, standing atop a pile of discarded NFT Investor Monthly issues. “We’re a movement. A revolution. A questionable life choice. And we’re here to make you laugh, cry, or at least question why you’re still reading this.”
So bookmark us, follow us on X (where we’ll be shitposting hourly), and brace yourselves for the return of Squib News—because in a world gone mad, the least we can do is make it funny. Got a tip? Send it to us via carrier pigeon, smoke signal, or that weird guy Carl. We’re back, baby, and we’re too stupid to die.
