The Secretary of Defense is facing backlash after asking Congress to allocate public funds towards a new military research project. Citing its necessity, he defended the move by saying,“We need a clear answer and with this study, I hope to God we’ll have one!”

The study will hopefully determine why Marines seem so much better than their Army counterparts in every way. The Marines appear to outperform the Army in nearly every category despite the advantages that the Army possesses, such as having greater numbers than the Marines. Even though Marines possess less than half the amount of personnel (about 1/10^th, if you include the National Guard) than the Army, they have a greater number of mission-ready personnel who are fitter and better trained than Army soldiers. The Army also boasts greater resources and shorter training times than the Marines. By in large, the Army should be a better branch. Instead, the Marines lead the pack. The strict nature of their fitness test quickly rules out any unfit candidates, and though the training is more general, it is far more intense.

Still, the question remains: what is it that makes the Marines so much better? Is it the uniforms the Marines wear or maybe the way they wear them? Is it the haircuts, the physical fitness, or maybe the tradition of “death before dishonor?” Maybe it’s because the Marines were founded in a tavern and can out drink anyone.

Hopefully, 3.2 billion dollars will be enough to help the Army become more like the Marines (though it’s doubtful). Sure, all of our uniformed citizens deserve commendation for working so hard to defend our fair country. At least we can all agree that no matter what the issue, both the Army and the Marines are better than the Air Force.