An environmental agency which hasn’t had much to do after protesting against the Dakota Pipeline and filling the whole area with garbage passed a unanimous resolution on Friday to proclaim the act of building houses out of wood as the murder of trees.

The members of the environmental agency though, most of whom live in mansions made up of brick and mortar are expected to remain unaffected by the proclamation.

We managed to speak to one of the members of the agency to determine the logic(if any) behind the move, “Well we love the environment but not so much that it would spur us to do something constructive for it. So time and again we end up passing resolutions which don’t make much sense but ensure that we get enough publicity which results in donations from passionate but naïve patrons. Regarding this latest decision, I had gone to a friend’s home for a party. There I saw a few of my colleagues who I utterly dislike getting fully drunk. Suddenly they lost their balance and were all set to crash into the nearest wall. Just as I was buzzing at the thought of them getting seriously hurt and facing possible hospitalization, they crashed into a soft wooden wall and were barely hurt. It was gutting to see that. So in order for them to not get hurt, a tree had to die. That’s deplorable! Hence in the interest of my ego, I decided that building houses must amount to tree murder.”

We asked the passionate environmentalist if oak wood furniture or maple wood flooring in their office too accounted for tree murder, but he refused those claims and chose to call it euthanasia rather than murder.