In a huge announcement, the NFL has stated that it will henceforth host the Super Bowl on a Monday, so that people can effectively go four days without working. This move is pleasing everyone except business owners who would have to add a Tuesday to the list of unproductive days due to the Super Bowl.

We spoke to an activist who had been demanding a switch to Monday. “Now everyone is either too happy, or too sad, or too sleepy, or too drunk on the day after the Super Bowl. So many of the capitalist and fascist people were clamoring for moving the game to a Saturday, so that productivity would not be lost due to the next day being a Sunday. All the business owners were either Chinese magnates or Russian oligarchs who neither cared nor knew anything about the Super Bowl. My fellow men and I also think that hosting the game on a Sunday is a conspiracy, too. One is effectively wasting a perfectly good day, as Sunday is already a holiday. So, if the game was hosted on a Monday, we would get the weekend plus Monday and Tuesday (as we are in no condition to make any constructive effort on Tuesday). It’s great that the NFL has finally paid heed to us and extended our already long list of holidays.”

Bernie Sanders has now spoke out in support of the move after finding out it’s a great way to screw up the big corporations and also give aplomb to the average American.