According to reports, an eminent socialite/failed actress has decided to quit public life after being unable to generate any controversy for a month. This is highly unusual, considering her previous scandals occurred every week.

We managed to reach her for comment. She stated, “I was such a diva when it came to getting cameras to follow me for all the wrong reasons. At my peak, I managed a sex tape, controversial statement, and angry outburst all in one week! My portfolio and expertise included everything from drug busts to wardrobe malfunctions. Now, for some reason, I haven’t been able to perform as well. My last moment in the spotlight was when a photo was taken of me looking like a horse. I thought of divorcing my husband to make headlines, like I did with my last husband. That’s when I realized how much I loved him, and I couldn’t go through with it. My socialite days are over. I’m removing myself from the media to manage my family’s hotel chain.”

This move has generated panic among many tabloids who would use her scandals for 2 pages of content per day. Hopefully, this retirement does not become a trend for other scandalous celebrities. Otherwise, these tabloids will have to hire real journalists and write real news. To protect their interests, these tabloids are rumored to be drafting an offer specifically for socialites. If accepted, socialites would be bound by contract to create controversy and abstain from doing anything constructive for themselves or society.