Rush hour commuters are being urged to stay home from work at least one day each week following a report by the Department of Transportation. The report revealed that city infrastructure can no longer support the volume of traffic during rush hour.

“What we have discovered is incredibly alarming,” said transportation expert Miles Baumgartner. “We need to reduce traffic, and the only way we will see immediate relief is if commuters call in sick at least once a week and stay home.”

Traffic during rush hour often results in a stand still. Just last week, 17 people were hospitalized with chest pains after they abandoned their vehicles on the highway in a desperate attempt to waddle to McDonald’s and fix their low blood sugar.

Another eye witness account described a woman who sat in traffic for so long that the insurance expired on her vehicle which resulted in it being impounded. Conveniently, her place of work was just down the street from the impound which meant she was given a ride to work for free.

“The situation is beyond a joke,” says neurosurgeon/gridlock survivor Dr. James Reeves. “I was stuck in traffic for so long yesterday that a parking warden fined me fifty bucks! Something needs to be done, and if it means I have to call in sick on a day I’m supposed to be performing lifesaving brain surgery on a small child, then so be it.”

In a statement issued today, the Bureau of Bureaucracy has warned that employers are within their rights to enforce unauthorized attendance protocols for any workers who repeatedly call in sick. The Bureau recommends that commuters be more creative with excuses, such as feigning grief at the loss of an imaginary family pet or forging invites to the funerals and weddings of friends and relatives who live out of state.

Alternative proposals to curb city traffic have been tried in the past. Back in 2014, the Department of Transportation piloted an idea that involved paving the roofs of people’s cars with asphalt. If traffic was bad, those stuck behind could just simply drive over the top of those in front. The trial was abandoned after 3 days due to a number of fatalities.