Americans all over the country threw down their Whoppers in a collective rage at President Obama’s recent executive order requiring all police officers to relinquish their firearms. This latest order is intended to eliminate the amount of shootings committed by American police officers, as they must now emulate the British police force. For example, American officers are expected to subdue suspected criminals by tossing a nightstick from afar.

Unfortunately, this may not be the only action President Obama plans to take in hopes of curtailing police shootings. Several sources have reported the President is also planning to require that those in authoritative positions (e.g., security and constabulary) wear glasses to alter their vision. This will prevent the officers from discerning skin color, or any other color, so that they may view the entire world in shades of grey. Considering that the human eye can only distinguish 30 or so shades, it’s not entirely clear as to how officers will still be able to operate while using these special spectacles.

No word yet on whether or not they will have enough nightsticks to subdue the disgruntled gentlemen currently occupying the federal wildlife reserve. So far, the FBI’s tactics of politely asking them to leave and even promising them a fruit bouquet have not been effective.