In a huge win for the IRS and the American public, a fully intoxicated man reportedly took the extreme step and finally did his taxes, thanks to his generosity he even received $4 million in refunds. The man is a Wall Street magnate who has successfully run and covered up two Ponzi schemes had never filed his taxes since he made his first million.
We managed to speak with him at his Manhattan penthouse, where we found him utterly distraught, “Well my father just taught me two things that never ever pay taxes and never in any way do anything that would benefit the rest 99%. Now tell me what good the top 1% is if it doesn’t screw up the rest 99. What happened was that me and my friends were celebrating the government’s approval of our plan to cut down 10000 hectares of pristine forest land to build a power plant. We got really drunk and started throwing crazy challenges at one another. One challenged me to lay off 100 employees, I challenged another to make a senator’s illicit affairs public, someone challenged me to cut out my 4 partners and 11 children out of my will and finally when we all got really drunk I was challenged to pay my taxes. You must imagine my level of drunkenness that led to me accepting it. I called my secretary to pay all my back taxes and was all set to declare bankruptcy due to the vast amount owed by me. But I was pleasantly surprised when I received a refund of $4 Million. I did end up paying over $20 million but that’s beside the point. Earlier I used to pay off my lawyer and the senator and the IRS officials but even that didn’t yield me more than a million dollars in refunds”.
In unrelated news other Wall Street hotshots are trying to pass an amendment whereby they would receive a refund of $2 for every dollar they pay in taxes.