Reports are emerging about an attempted takeover of SquibNews.com by Univision for a whooping $1.3 billion, after it successfully purchased TheOnion.com for $27.3 million. Univision management is reportedly distraught after it failed to establish a complete monopoly over American Satire.

We managed to connect with Emma, a representative of Squib News who stated, “The offer from Univision was very generous, and we are still wondering where they got all that money from. However, Squib News refuses to be bought and that’s it. We believe our integrity cannot be compromised by some hotshot media house even if we could have gone without working a single day for the rest of our lives. The deal included 20% cash and 80% in company stock options, so Squib News would have become sizable stakeholders in Univision. We would have received a lot of criticism from all corners of society for the quality of several programs being aired on the network.”

An executive at Univision is claiming, “The people at Squib News are making a huge mistake. If we can purchase The Onion at just $27.3 million and translate its articles into Spanish using Google translate (thereby making them funnier), just imagine how shrewd we must be. We will get what we want whether we pay $1.3 billion or $13 billion.”