In another huge upheaval in the medical world, scientists now realize that the chief cause of obesity isn’t greasy fast food, but excessive vaccinations. This finding closely follows another one which dismissed cholesterol as a credible life threat.

We spoke to a leading medical expert, “Initially, we felt like the researchers were playing a joke, but later we found that their inferences were based on serious medical research. Apparently, the vaccination serums had a lot of air pockets, so when someone was injected with it, he or she was inflated with the air inside. If everyone weighs over 200 lbs, it’s not because of a ridiculously unhealthy lifestyle or bad genetics, it’s because of those vaccinations.”

We spoke to a very health-conscious teen, “I am like totally freaked out! Now, my having a size zero figure has nothing to do with me eating organic or a lot of veggies and hitting the gym at 6:00 AM. It’s because my family had the foresight to not properly vaccinate me. It’s ok if I contract all forms of yellow, purple, and red fevers, or other deadly diseases. In any case I must never ever get fat!”

Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders has called it all a nefarious corporate agenda, “These pharmaceutical companies make vaccines in order to safeguard you from deadly diseases, but at the same time, they inflict you with the deadliest of them all: obesity! All of those health club corps and weight loss corps can have a field day! This must stop! I would outlaw all forms of vaccinations if voted into office!”